Of Death & Dying

How often does the thought of death cross your mind?!


The 'what if'...
What if I never get to wake another day to my daughters "it's wakey time mommy" 
What if?!
What if I never wake from that surgery, or wake from my sleep?
What if? 
Surrounded by so much life yet thoughts of death lurk at every corner...
I think about my last "first kiss"...
The warmth of his arms around me...
I think about 'what if I never feel that warmth again?!' 
What if


But what is living in the "what if"?! 
Is that to live at all?!
Happy to be surrounded by so much joy and love and laughter in my life!
My existence to this very point, my achievements, my successes...my daughter!

She is my "what if you live till your 100 years old"
What legacy do I leave behind for her
My what ifs are fears...my dreams and hopes and aspirations scare me!
Take that fear! 
Make it your driving force!
Asked so many a time why I took the leap to leave home
To choose independence
To choose life!
...it's all for you, My Clarissa, My Yvonne
I choose life, no matter how hard, in the now
Things will get better for us, that's a promise
I stand by it 
I guarantee it!

My last first kiss awaits me still...
My honours belonged to you
My dream of my masters will be ours
Everything. For us
This house is yours, what else can mommy achieve?!
I can do it all
You can do it all! 
Whatever you want, dream it to life!

Because of death and dying? 
What of it?

We live, we laugh, we conquer
And one day when mommy is no more, know that you are love and that you are loved
Forever in this heart of mine
 

Forever yours
mommy

My African Child

My African child, she's resilient, she is strength, she is black and beautiful and proud

My African child, she knows not of colour and discrimination

My African child, she is young and radiant and youthful

My African child! She is love

My African child, my afro lover, may her hair rise like the fists of warriors before us

My African child

She is one with the land, she calls it home, we call it Africa

My African child, she knows no limits, no fear, she is free

My African child, her skin is gorgeous, "Look Mommy, I am browned" she says with pride

I teach her to love herself and others, for she is the future, a better tomorrow

My African child

She is the hope for a unified world, untainted, she knows of love and respect for others

My African child, I raise you to be everything you want to be and more

My African child, the world is your playground, as my father once told me

My African child, the world is yours

Africa is yours

My African child!

There’s No Place Like Home

My country of birth, the place I call HOME, my Namibia!

I open my eyes, the very first person I see is my mommy’s doctor, he’s speaking a language I don’t really understand. My Namibia is diverse; I’ll later learn we have many local languages. What he’s speaking is German, I’ll later live to learn. “Hello baby China” he nicknames me, this language is English, the official language of my country. 

I’m leaving the hospital now, the sunset gleaming on my newly born skin. I feel warm, this is the warmth of my home. A warmth that spreads where the desert meets the sea, a warmth that shines bright on my national flag. I love the warmth; it feels like home. 

I’m a one-year-old now, I learn something new about my country with every growing day. My mommy took me on an aeroplane…I’m looking down, wow, it’s so stunning. My mommy says our house is down there, goodbye house, I wave goodbye. We’re flying over Ondangwa now, I still can’t speak, but mommy sounds it out as we fly over the blinking rooftops. There’s many open spaces here…look mommy, it’s a cow!!! I blabber as I point excitedly at this new animal before me. My country is filled with livestock, hundreds and hundreds of animals. I can’t really count yet, but mommy says our country is filled with beautiful animals all over. 

I’m starting to sound out words now…Namibia!!! That’s the name of where I live, that’s the name of my home! I look at mommy with wonder when she talks about our country. “There’s no place like home” she loves to say. I believe her, mommy always knows best!

I’m walking and running now…my mommy takes me to the sea! My tiny toes are filled with beach sand…wiggle wiggle wiggle! My Namibia has sand dunes, the softest of sand lives here. I love the places my mommy takes me, everywhere is something new. 

It’s my second birthday now, my mommy takes me to a lodge. Look mommy, it’s a lion!!! Here’s wild dog’s mommy, what’s that one with a long neck and spots? “Is that what you were talking about mommy?” “When you said our land is so beautiful?” “You were right mommy, you were right!”

I’ve been on earth for three years now, I speak full sentences now and have a slightly better understanding of all the animals and the places in the land I call ‘home’. 

My mommy inspires me to someday travel more… “I want to see it all mommy!!!”

I cannot wait for my mommy to show me more, the more I see, the more I fall in love with my beautiful Namibia! And so I am inspired, inspired by my mommy, forever doing the most for me, and for birthing me in the land of friendly faces and amazing views.

My Sister, My Best Friend

Look at the love I share with my siblings, the greatest love I've known before I had you.
Whether you find this love in a sibling or in a best friend, I pray for you everyday to get to experience the different bonds of love that exists in this world!

Here is a poem my sister, my best friend and pillar of strength dedicated to me:

I never had teddy bears or lullabies 
Just my sister's nose pressed up against my neck and in my hair 
"You smell like a baby" she said 
One of the first sentences I can remember 
Simple words spoken softly, sweetly, slowly
Better than any bedtime story - she was the one to put me to bed 
And just as the sun rises every morning without fail or falter, question or hesitation 
She was there...
Her love shining me up like gold and awakening the very core of my soul 

See, for years and years I thought she hated me coz she kinda bullied me 
But now I see what she had foreseen
Is that it takes bullshit and manure for roses to grow 
Taught me how to knit and sow, how to cook and bake, not be fake
Or take any shit from any man, how to ride...bikes!
And stand up for myself and get up after a fall

And even though she stood tall above me, she called me your highness
Coz it takes the opening of a third eye to understand a love story so complex 
More complex than that of Romeo and Juliet
The type of love that grows you, that knows you, that shows you the way when you feel lost

And I'll find my way back and break into any dungeon to save - you know, like Pocahontas and John Smith 
Use 1000 elephants and spend 20 years building the Taj Mahal for you type love
That, I get chocked up but when I see you I can breath, type of love
That, I see you smiling, sitting in the front row when I'm on stage type of love
Running the city like Cleopatra and Antony type of love...
That, I love you like a brother but I'd never hurt like Cain did Abel type of love   
That, stay winning like Venus and Serena type of love
That, forever twinning like Tia and Tamara type of love
That, I will snatch and drag anybody who disrespects you by the edges type of love
That, run the world like Michelle and Barack Obama type of love...
That, I'm sweating, can you bring me some deo to the club type of love?!

That, please loan me 50 bux "I'll pay you back" but I never do and you act like you forget type of love
That, sssshhhhh, I broke curfew, don't tell anybody type of love
That, promote my yoga business like you own it type of love
That Sunday lunch with beans, greens, potatoes, tomatoes - YOU NAME IT, type of love

That, we broke the front window, don't tell mom
That, he broke my heart and you let me cry in your bed
That, you are the second mother to my son 
And your daughter is my child 
And all your snap chat stories are about me 
And the future don't mean nothing without we
And I pray for you more then I do me
And I've run out of rhymes and lines to explain this type of love...

LOVE, my child, LOVE

This world might be cruel, but fight them with love

"It's a new art form showing people how little we care", don't join the fad, we need a little more care

"True love doesn't exist" they say, but look at us! LOOK AT LOVE!

The world needs more people like you...
The kind of people that LOVE openly, LOVE freely and care dearly 

Yes, a day will come and your heart will break, I cannot protect you forever my child
But I will be there to ease the pain, to sooth your hurt and help heal your heart

You will feel better again my child, a broken heart is never the end
There will be time to mend and you know what? You will love again

Don't let them turn your heart to stone! You have so much warmth to share with this world

Our world needs a little more warmth, a little more love and a lot more peace

So love my child, love
Love freely
Love deeply
Love openly

The world needs more people like you!

The Truth Is...

She recently turned 3, my little girl is growing up!
She wants to explore the world, she's coming into her own

And the truth is, I wish she'd stay my baby girl forever
Truth is, I don't want to have to share her
Truth is, I don't want to be away from her...EVER

And in those truths, I'm selfish!

I think about her even when I'm with her, how did this person consume my very being?
When we're apart, my world is not at ease, truth is, I have to let her grow and be

I think about how I have to spend the rest of my life making up for the fact that I'm raising her on my own
Truth is, it's exhausting and tiring and rewarding all at the same damn time!!!!
Truth is, I'd do it all over again just to see her smile when she's being naughty
The truth is...I'd do it all over again just to watch her sleep and hold her close and breath her in

Truth is, I try to be the best mom I can be, and nothing will ever stop me from waking up every living day trying to do right by her

Truth is, she's the best thing that ever happened to me
Not one second, not a day goes by when she's not in my thoughts and forever in my heart

Truth is, I love her more than life itself!

Two Years A Mom

Being a mother...aaaaaah the joys!

From the belly growth and stretch marks to the waiting and the wondering about the little person you're about to meet...
And they arrive, and voila, your life changes in a heartbeat...
The late night feedings, the crying, the changing of diapers...it all seems endless
Yes, life will never be the same again!

And up they get and take their first steps, what a wonder to see them walk
Baby proof the house, close off the swimming pool...remove the Oros from their reach...it's a mad house!
Now the little one is a walking mess machine, you have been deemed clean up crew 24/7

And with the steps come the first few words...
Mama...mama...mama
I love the sound of my new name!
It's amazing, I never want to be called anything else ever again...

All of a sudden she discovers I actually have a name!!!
Berneeth...she teases, trying to pronounce Bernice as best she can
We conversating now...it's endless questions of "what's that" seemingly on repeat mode

Aaaaaah the joys, two years a mom and I wouldn't trade it for anything!

She's still my little girl you know, my baby through and through
What a pleasure it is watching you grow, my big eyed yellow girl!