Letter to my Daddy

Dear Daddy

It's me, your baby! Remember me? You were so happy the very first day we met, I thought I did that. I thought I made you happy...

Anyway, I'm so big now, since the last time you saw me. I have teeth now daddy, look at my smile:) I'm not so little anymore daddy, I finally got the courage to walk...one step, two steps, I'm walking daddy!

Daddy, it's my first birthday. I wish you would come back to me. I'm happy but I'm sad daddy, I'm big now daddy. What did I do to make you mad?

I'm waving goodbye to mommy daddy, I'm off to school. I see the other children have dads, wonder how they managed to keep their daddy:/ Ok, school time now daddy, I pray one
day you'll come back and I can try and stretch my tiny arms as far as I can to wrap them around your neck daddy like the other kids do...

I'm in grade 1 now daddy, where are you? My shoes are shiny, I can see my face in them. I asked mommy to make my tie today, she doesn't know how. I think you'd know how to daddy, do you like to wear ties?
I'm so smart daddy, I'm the best in my class...I must have gotten it from mommy, she is smart enough to be in my life. I'm an amazing kid daddy, I think you'd love me if you knew me...

It's my first day of high school daddy. I'm kinda mad at you...why won't you help mommy, why won't you call me or see me!!!!
 Mommy says I'm perfect daddy, but how can this be? The man who made doesn't love me...

It's been 18 years now daddy, you're nothing but a memory if I didn't all but dream you up to begin with. Mommy is my daddy now, she's all you are supposed to be and so much more...

I'm still waiting for you daddy, maybe one day you'll come back to me...

Love you always daddy

Maybe one day you'll comeback to me...

I believe in a thing called love...

Do you believe in a thing called love? In a happily ever after?

That was the plan…to live happily ever after, together. As a family. So what happens when that plan all but goes to shit?! Shattered pieces of heart lying all over the place. Where do you start picking up the dozen pieces? I always say happiness begins with you. It took me a long time, to get to where I am today. To be happy with the self. To know the self. And finally, to love the self.

It took me an opening in my belly, a tiny smile, eyes as big as mine if not bigger and a presence. I’ve never seen anybody so beautiful, a beauty that brings tears of joy to my eyes as I watch her sleep ever so sweetly.

And so the picking up of the pieces begin. The mending, the healing, and finally, moving on.

The things I’ve heard come out of apparently rational human beings mouths, “the guy should move on first before the woman does”, “women should wait till the child is one years old before moving on”…in what world?! When YOU are ready, when YOU meet someone who is kind, gentle and openly loves your little one (and claims to love them as much as you do) LOL (impossible), do you retreat? The laws of love, unwritten as they are, say what about timing and who goes first?

Lovers come and lovers go. People judge, regardless of what you are doing. So you live, you pick up the pieces and move forward. Time and time again I remind myself; it’s my life, my rules, my body and my baby.

Every day, every struggle, every hardship, it’s all worth it in the end…coming home to this little body. My person. The tiny hugs and kisses, oooh my how she adores me.

I won’t always get everything right, but I can damn near try. As long as I do it my way.

So here’s to taking time to mend, to heal and finally to embracing brighter days!

May we all find inner peace, love and happiness

6 Months later...

In front of me sits this bouncy, chubby cheeked ball of a tiny human being. She's wide-eyed and aware of every sound and movement in the room...and when I say 'sits', I mean just that! Clarissa Yvonne learned to sit at just 5 months young:)




This little girl has her own personality! Yes, I believe babies have a will and likes/dislikes and know to some extent what they want/how they want it. For example, she only wants to be breastfed while lying down, she doesn't like to held like a baby when it's feeding time. I was told, "babies don't have a will...don't let her decide for you", does that mean I should force her into position and shove the nipple down her throat? I think not. My parenting style is that of how I was raised...in an open and explorative environment. If I see my baby girl doesn't like something, I tend not to try and enforce it onto her. We all have our different styles, do what works for you I say!


6 months is a huge milestone! This is where the real fun begins, when they learn to become mobile. She moves from  the sitting position onto her tummy and lifts her head up high. Must be nice, to experience a different view of your surroundings! Instead of moving forwards, she 'crawls' backwards. What an amazing feeling to watch your little person learn new things, take on new milestones and make mommy's heart smile.
She recognizes people now, has a wide toothless smile when I walk into the room, and so my heart melts. She loves her play dates and her pets, cousins, friends the works! Such a happy baby:)
One of the many endless joys she brings to my world...




Then I read the terrible news headline today:( "Another baby dumped..the third in less than a week" My heart is bleeding. Can we not campaign against baby dumping as we do for GBV etc?
#BringBackOurBabies
These moms, do they even know where to take the children they don't want? Let us educate them, let us teach them there is no shame in giving the child a better life...anything is better than a death sentence before you've even had the chance to soak up the sun and the beauty that this world has to offer.
People are struggling to have babies, babies are taken away from mothers who yearned for them, and then you read about those discarded like trash.
We as a people need to fight this plague that has touched our community. I read that they can drop the children off at any government ministry's office...do those woman know this? How desperate and scared must you be to rip life from your womb and wrap it in newspaper and plastic bags for the dogs to feast on?!

 I pray for the babies sweet souls that were dumped. We need to seriously look into this.

I cry tears of joy when I look into my daughter's eyes, she smiles at me and I want to love her forever! She is mine and I am hers, may these woman find comfort in knowing there are other people willing to share their love with the babies they cannot give that love to.

I love you Clarissa Yvonne Boois...I tell her that every minute of every day at every chance I get!

After All Is Said And Done...

I've been doing a lot of 'soul searching' lately, and I believe it is only through self love and self worth that this journey allows one to reach new heights...

I've learned the art of forgiving myself so that I may forgive others!

We live. We learn. We love. We yearn. We want. We are beings capable of so much more than just hurting and wallowing in depression and in the past...so 3 cheers to living it up:)

Life is so fast now, my baby girl is turning 6 months old! She's such an independent baby, holds her own bottle, sits unsupported, likes to be left alone and talks to herself for what seems like endless minutes when all I want to do is hold her:)))
The nanny battles continue, I'm sure I'm not the first and surely won't be the last mommy,

She goes to nursery now, 8 - 5 so mommy can go about being a radio presenter and a full time final year student. Weekends are spent laying in bed starring into each others eyes, visiting granny and play dates with cousins and friends her age.

What a complete turn around my life has taken...would I want it any other way?! I think not:)
It's tiring and amazing all at the same time.
To moms everywhere, YOU are a star*****

So after all is said and done, learn to forgive, learn to let go and let love!

DO NOT KILL MY PASSION

It’s the dead of night…I’m surrounded by silence, the night is peaceful, but there is turmoil in my heart. I have carried many burdens before but nothing like this before. Could it be the cry of my country? The outrage heightened by woman gone before their time? The children left behind asking, “is my mommy in heaven”?

I am more than a woman. I am a mother. I never really knew what this would entail and trust me; nothing can ever prepare you for the road of motherhood! I wanted “A” baby; I didn’t grasp what that meant until I got THIS baby! She has changed me to what I never was before…strong!

Do I blame him…do I blame man? No…I blame me! I love him, without him there would be no she. A love so pure has saved me…my daughter gave me strength. When she looks at me, I feel like the most beautiful woman in the world…she adores me! Who am I then, not to adore and love myself? She made me want more for myself, now more than ever. And I will do anything for her, no hesitations.

I wrote about the single mom, her strengths, and her endless limits. I said what if HE leaves me…what if he leaves us?! And then it hit me, I found that strength in knowing what I want for my daughter as well as myself. I left, I want better. I want her to grow up knowing that woman must be respected, always. You deserve to be treated humanely and respected; there is no two ways about it.

And why are we suffering in silence? Are you auditioning for ‘silence of the lambs’?

If you are being mistreated, take your things and move along. I roar on the dune tops of Namibia that I am a mother, I am fearless, I am strength!

I will not plea for my life, and no longer will I live in fear. If it’s my day then let it be so…I leave behind my blood and heart in that little girl that thinks I am the next best thing to breast milk! I don’t know what I hope to achieve in writing this, but I do know I found strength and so can you! Do not suffer alone; do not suffer in silence…DO NOT KILL MY PASSION!

Mommy business...the first 3 months:)

And so the work begins, after vacating the hospital, you're all on your own. No more nurses to come rushing in when baby cries, no more rolling baby to the nursery while you take a long bath...it's all you and baba from here on out! You become a ninja juggling baby's needs as well as your own!

I'd say the first month was the hardest, getting to know each other and dealing with the notorious 'night shift'! I still had the assistance of Yellow...but  when you're breastfeeding, there's only so much another person can do! You still have to wake up and whip it out on demand at all odd hours.
I started reading up on sleep training, letting baby know that routine is key! Evenings are made for baths, feeds and then off to bed. It really paid off as both Clarissa and I enjoy a good 10 hours of sleep now.

I recently started a group on Facebook, #MommyChronicles, just for mom's to share issues, specials on baby products and just to have a platform to talk about your child as much as you please without getting the side eye from others! Feel free to invite more moms, we keep each other company even at 3am during feeds etc.
I can't really complain hey! I've had the best time of my life with my daughter, playing dress up, taking her for play dates and even just for walks in the park! I won't lie and say it's been easy, but it sure has been worth every moment spent with her!
Watching her reach milestones before her 'expected time' is just as exciting! A toothless smile means the world to me! Who would have thought:) And as she reaches 3 months, my maternity leave sadly comes to an end. It's time to rejoin the world and leave our cocoon of a bedroom.

Step 1 : Overcoming separation anxiety:/ The hardest parts of my day is always leaving her side to get to class or even have some 'me time' which is equally important in a new mom's life!

Step 2 : Finding a caregiver or crèche! We went through a couple of screenings before we found a nanny that we like. And that's not the end of it...baby also has to 'approve', as my mom says "let the little voices be heard". We had one nanny come over and just as she held Clarissa, her cousin Damian-Lee adamantly shouted that she should give the baby back! "She's not yours! Give our baby back" Mom said they can sense aura's better than we can, and with that she was given the boot. After searching high and low, we finally found someone for the job that loves the children and the children love her and is good with Clarissa!

Step 3 : Milk overload!!! My first day in class, I found it extremely difficult. Milk started leaking and showing through my light blue vest, the horror!!! I was so full, I wanted to cry! The relief of getting home to feed her was overwhelming...but it really is true what they say, it does get easier! And days when she's at daddy's house I simply have to make due with expressing! Luckily for me she took quite well to formula milk and bottle feeding without rejecting the boob!

From here on out, it's been easy sailing! There are still major hurdles we will have to overcome. And to that I say,
 "Keep Calm and Deal With It":)

Got Milk?

Breastfeeding, expressing milk, nursing...all once foreign terms! But now? Popping a boob out is the most natural thing I've ever done!

Starting from the hospital, people just think your chest area is now a 'free for all touching booth', what's that about? On my first day nursing, the nurse casually walked in, grabbed my nipple and directed it to baba's mouth...uhm, hello??? a warning or thumbs up would be nice?! And it's all downhill from there, unless you into that kind of thing. My mom, friends and sisters...all up in my business. I guess other moms just want to 'SHOW' you how it's done, and what's the right way. I don't know, I'd like all hands off...maybe we could have a demonstration board? No?

For some or other reason I was on the loo topless, and felt a drop on my knee. I immediately looked up, assuming it's raining outside and the ceiling is leaking...silly me, I was the one leaking! It was a first for me, and that's where the introduction of breast pads began.

Different moms have different feelings about breastfeeding in public, but for most, that is your child's only source of food...and if you're out in public and your child needs feeding, what are you going to do?! I know we have burping nappies, blankies and even special pouches made specially for that purpose...but if that's not available?

And then there's the question, "am I making enough"? I'm most worried as I have to return to school in a month's time. My mom says stop stressing, as long as baba is passing stools and obviously growing all is well. As for my return to school, the doctor says I can express milk and if that's not enough, Nan HA formula milk can be mixed with it and TADA, baba is sorted! Less stress about making milk and focus on loving and being there for the baby, there is always an alternative if you don't make enough. A fellow mommy told me "putting baba on formula to go back to work/school or whatever reason does not make you any less of a mom" wow:)

Find more on twitter #NursingChronicles or follow me @Beaulz1 as I learn and endure more as the days go by!