DO NOT KILL MY PASSION

It’s the dead of night…I’m surrounded by silence, the night is peaceful, but there is turmoil in my heart. I have carried many burdens before but nothing like this before. Could it be the cry of my country? The outrage heightened by woman gone before their time? The children left behind asking, “is my mommy in heaven”?

I am more than a woman. I am a mother. I never really knew what this would entail and trust me; nothing can ever prepare you for the road of motherhood! I wanted “A” baby; I didn’t grasp what that meant until I got THIS baby! She has changed me to what I never was before…strong!

Do I blame him…do I blame man? No…I blame me! I love him, without him there would be no she. A love so pure has saved me…my daughter gave me strength. When she looks at me, I feel like the most beautiful woman in the world…she adores me! Who am I then, not to adore and love myself? She made me want more for myself, now more than ever. And I will do anything for her, no hesitations.

I wrote about the single mom, her strengths, and her endless limits. I said what if HE leaves me…what if he leaves us?! And then it hit me, I found that strength in knowing what I want for my daughter as well as myself. I left, I want better. I want her to grow up knowing that woman must be respected, always. You deserve to be treated humanely and respected; there is no two ways about it.

And why are we suffering in silence? Are you auditioning for ‘silence of the lambs’?

If you are being mistreated, take your things and move along. I roar on the dune tops of Namibia that I am a mother, I am fearless, I am strength!

I will not plea for my life, and no longer will I live in fear. If it’s my day then let it be so…I leave behind my blood and heart in that little girl that thinks I am the next best thing to breast milk! I don’t know what I hope to achieve in writing this, but I do know I found strength and so can you! Do not suffer alone; do not suffer in silence…DO NOT KILL MY PASSION!

Mommy business...the first 3 months:)

And so the work begins, after vacating the hospital, you're all on your own. No more nurses to come rushing in when baby cries, no more rolling baby to the nursery while you take a long bath...it's all you and baba from here on out! You become a ninja juggling baby's needs as well as your own!

I'd say the first month was the hardest, getting to know each other and dealing with the notorious 'night shift'! I still had the assistance of Yellow...but  when you're breastfeeding, there's only so much another person can do! You still have to wake up and whip it out on demand at all odd hours.
I started reading up on sleep training, letting baby know that routine is key! Evenings are made for baths, feeds and then off to bed. It really paid off as both Clarissa and I enjoy a good 10 hours of sleep now.

I recently started a group on Facebook, #MommyChronicles, just for mom's to share issues, specials on baby products and just to have a platform to talk about your child as much as you please without getting the side eye from others! Feel free to invite more moms, we keep each other company even at 3am during feeds etc.
I can't really complain hey! I've had the best time of my life with my daughter, playing dress up, taking her for play dates and even just for walks in the park! I won't lie and say it's been easy, but it sure has been worth every moment spent with her!
Watching her reach milestones before her 'expected time' is just as exciting! A toothless smile means the world to me! Who would have thought:) And as she reaches 3 months, my maternity leave sadly comes to an end. It's time to rejoin the world and leave our cocoon of a bedroom.

Step 1 : Overcoming separation anxiety:/ The hardest parts of my day is always leaving her side to get to class or even have some 'me time' which is equally important in a new mom's life!

Step 2 : Finding a caregiver or crèche! We went through a couple of screenings before we found a nanny that we like. And that's not the end of it...baby also has to 'approve', as my mom says "let the little voices be heard". We had one nanny come over and just as she held Clarissa, her cousin Damian-Lee adamantly shouted that she should give the baby back! "She's not yours! Give our baby back" Mom said they can sense aura's better than we can, and with that she was given the boot. After searching high and low, we finally found someone for the job that loves the children and the children love her and is good with Clarissa!

Step 3 : Milk overload!!! My first day in class, I found it extremely difficult. Milk started leaking and showing through my light blue vest, the horror!!! I was so full, I wanted to cry! The relief of getting home to feed her was overwhelming...but it really is true what they say, it does get easier! And days when she's at daddy's house I simply have to make due with expressing! Luckily for me she took quite well to formula milk and bottle feeding without rejecting the boob!

From here on out, it's been easy sailing! There are still major hurdles we will have to overcome. And to that I say,
 "Keep Calm and Deal With It":)

Got Milk?

Breastfeeding, expressing milk, nursing...all once foreign terms! But now? Popping a boob out is the most natural thing I've ever done!

Starting from the hospital, people just think your chest area is now a 'free for all touching booth', what's that about? On my first day nursing, the nurse casually walked in, grabbed my nipple and directed it to baba's mouth...uhm, hello??? a warning or thumbs up would be nice?! And it's all downhill from there, unless you into that kind of thing. My mom, friends and sisters...all up in my business. I guess other moms just want to 'SHOW' you how it's done, and what's the right way. I don't know, I'd like all hands off...maybe we could have a demonstration board? No?

For some or other reason I was on the loo topless, and felt a drop on my knee. I immediately looked up, assuming it's raining outside and the ceiling is leaking...silly me, I was the one leaking! It was a first for me, and that's where the introduction of breast pads began.

Different moms have different feelings about breastfeeding in public, but for most, that is your child's only source of food...and if you're out in public and your child needs feeding, what are you going to do?! I know we have burping nappies, blankies and even special pouches made specially for that purpose...but if that's not available?

And then there's the question, "am I making enough"? I'm most worried as I have to return to school in a month's time. My mom says stop stressing, as long as baba is passing stools and obviously growing all is well. As for my return to school, the doctor says I can express milk and if that's not enough, Nan HA formula milk can be mixed with it and TADA, baba is sorted! Less stress about making milk and focus on loving and being there for the baby, there is always an alternative if you don't make enough. A fellow mommy told me "putting baba on formula to go back to work/school or whatever reason does not make you any less of a mom" wow:)

Find more on twitter #NursingChronicles or follow me @Beaulz1 as I learn and endure more as the days go by!    

They Ripped My Heart Out

27/11/2013...daddy Yellow's birthday 12/11 + mommy's birthday 15/11!

The night before the D-Day, both Yellow and I were dozing in and out of sleep (if I can call that sleeping)! Random thoughts about baba disrupting our sleep...finally the morning came and it was almost time!
Bags packed, we headed to Rhino Park Private Hospital, "check-in" time was 11:30, baby was schedule to join the world at 13:00 !!!

We settled in and the sound of baba's heartbeat filled the room. Yellow and I were still making videos and taking pictures of how we chilled we were...it was about to get real and fast. What seemed like an eternity finally turned to the hour we had been waiting for. The nurses came into the room and wheeled the bed on which I lay, now only wearing that hospital gown where my rear was exposed, to the theatre!

And just like that, my heart rate picked up, I could feel every ounce of calm I had vanish like a thief in the night! Yellow saw the panic in my eye and assured me everything would be ok. He held my hand right up to the point where he had to 'scrub in':'''''D Fear of the unknown really is a funny thing, I had no idea what to expect.

By 13:00 I was strapped to the operating table, arms laid out like Jesus Christ on the cross. The epidural started to kick in, I remember asking for Yellow in German... "Wo ist papa???" I kept repeating!!! And finally he came to me all dressed up, I fell in love with him all over again, just for being there! At this point in time, Dr. Muller had already started but I was in my own world. Then I felt it, well not really but ...there was tugging...and just like that, they ripped my heart out, wrapped it in a blanket and showed it to me...my heart, my Clarissa, mine!
And then they were off, the down side to a C-section I suppose, shrugs. Yellow was recording and taking pictures of everything, how they measured her and cleaned her up. Born at 13:30, weighing in at 3.16kgs, I finally held the goga I shared my body with for 37weeks!

She's gorgeous is all I thought! How can someone so beautiful belong to me and complete my world! The happiness and the morphine had me spiraling, the purest form of joy now belongs to me!

A special thanks to all those who came to see us, bring us gifts and share in our joy! For every congratulatory message we are grateful for our baby is healthy, happy and strong, already lifting her head on day 1!

With this, our new journey begins...Life After Birth:):):):) 

The Waiting Game !!!

Am I glad I'm not elephant!!!! NOT referring to size, LOL, but gestation period....645 days, that's nearly 2 years:/

The past few months have been nothing but a rollercoaster ride, super highs, super lows and in betweens...but like all things, the finish line is fast approaching.
After having an internal conflict with myself, changing my mind every month...the whole "natural VS cesarean" debate, I have finally made up my mind and opted for cesarean...simply because I choose to, that is the choice I feel most comfortable with and so it has been decided. She is due to arrive Wednesday, 27 November 2013, 1pm at Rhino Park (that's if she doesn't decide to surprise us) !!!

After spending 9 months with my home doctor, since he delivered me he was to deliver baba too, but things don't always go according to plan do they *major sigh* thus far he's the only glitch...in an "extreme camping" accident, Dr. Laurie broke his arm and is currently in a cast. Talk about timing huh?! We were then referred to his friend who we saw last week, his aura is welcoming but I'm still fazed by my doctor. At 36 weeks, Clarissa weighs in at 2.9kgs...she already weighs more than I did when I was born...grow baby grow:)

There is not an emotion that I'm not feeling right now, in less than 10 days she will be in my arms, all that's left to do now is to wait!
 In the mean time, I'm putting the past behind me, I feel there's no better time to forgive and forget, if I can't do it, how am I to pass on such teachings to my daughter. Live with an open heart but always keep your guard up too.

Our hospital bags are packed and we are as ready as we could be. Catching up on sleep and series while I still can has been top priority since exams finished. With this, I'd like to extend a special thanks to everyone who has undergone this journey with me, no matter how small or large the contribution, it is appreciated!

And to my Yellow, who has supported me every step of the way, his story is one I'd love to pass on to my son, God willing! I tell you this, it wasn't easy but then again nothing worth having ever is... and here we stand together still, waiting to hold our little bundle of joy!!!

May the count down begin...

My Baby Shower:):):)

I guess you can say my Saturday started off like any other Saturday!

I went to a kiddies party at the zoo with my mom-in-law, and decided to take advantage of my surroundings and study while the children played in the open space! Thereafter, Yellow came to get me so we could have our much favored Wimpy breakfast "WIMPY!!!! Jou lekker breakfast" *singing*
Oh, anyway, then I was to have lunch with my girls Davely and Guilot...so I was dropped off... undisclosed location (hint hint, it's a naughty place) !!! As usual, Davely was "running late" so I thought nothing of it...Guilot even bought the ingredients of the meal she was to prepare for us!
Lo and behold, all my girls were gathered at my house, waiting to surprise me!!!! So Guilot said that Davely was dropped off at my house and that we had to get her and pick up my bikini...and when we went inside... SURPRISE!!!!

There they were, all waiting for me!!!! It really was a touching moment. Overwhelmed with emotion, I couldn't help but shed a tear, so blessed to have these ladies in my life! And the gifts!!! This baby is so sorted and I didn't even buy a thing! Amongst the heaps of baby clothes, nappies, bottles, microwave sanitizer, baby blankets and pacifiers, even Yellow chipped in with the help of my sister and got me the baby gym I so badly wanted for little Clare!
My godchildren came too, of course they just wanted to open all the pressies:) Even my daddy made an appearance and told us a story of when I was younger, thanks for that dad!
 We swam, we talked, the girls drank, and we just had a very relaxed baby shower...I wouldn't have wanted it any other way! Major shout out to everyone who made it happen!

What more can I ask for in this world when I have the gift of great friends, family and my Yellow! I cannot thank everybody enough that made an effort to be there or simply buy something for the little one.

No Paparazzi Please!!!

Hello readers:)

I know, I know...I took my time to get back to writing after our 3rd failed attempt at a 4D ultrasound! Well between working at Nbc, school tests and assignments and two hospital scares (we are both ok!!!! Thank God) ...things have just been a little crazy around me!!!

This time around, I took Beauty with me, to use as my good luck charm...and you know what, it just bought out the little yogi side of Clarissa (who is now nicknamed Clare:)...her foot was in front of her face, so we could get no clear pictures of her beautiful face!!!

We did however, get a few sneak peaks of her, side view only, and the sonographer was kind enough to print them out for us! So that's that, baby Clare has declared 'no paparazzi' and so it shall remain until she graces us with her presence:):):)

She weighs in at 1.6kgs, which is apparently big for her age (currently 29 weeks), showing she's at about 32 weeks now! Please slow your roll sweet child, mommy still has exams to write:/ Yellow and I grow steadily excited as each night her kicks to my ribs and jabs to my bladder, which sometimes hurt by the way, put wide smiles on our faces - he even feels her movements when I put my tummy against his back, I don't think we've ever been this excited before!

And so the waiting continues...+- 73 days to go!!!!

Can you see her face? Yellow says she has my big eyes and my round nose...and that's her little foot in front of her face:):):)