There’s No Place Like Home

My country of birth, the place I call HOME, my Namibia!

I open my eyes, the very first person I see is my mommy’s doctor, he’s speaking a language I don’t really understand. My Namibia is diverse; I’ll later learn we have many local languages. What he’s speaking is German, I’ll later live to learn. “Hello baby China” he nicknames me, this language is English, the official language of my country. 

I’m leaving the hospital now, the sunset gleaming on my newly born skin. I feel warm, this is the warmth of my home. A warmth that spreads where the desert meets the sea, a warmth that shines bright on my national flag. I love the warmth; it feels like home. 

I’m a one-year-old now, I learn something new about my country with every growing day. My mommy took me on an aeroplane…I’m looking down, wow, it’s so stunning. My mommy says our house is down there, goodbye house, I wave goodbye. We’re flying over Ondangwa now, I still can’t speak, but mommy sounds it out as we fly over the blinking rooftops. There’s many open spaces here…look mommy, it’s a cow!!! I blabber as I point excitedly at this new animal before me. My country is filled with livestock, hundreds and hundreds of animals. I can’t really count yet, but mommy says our country is filled with beautiful animals all over. 

I’m starting to sound out words now…Namibia!!! That’s the name of where I live, that’s the name of my home! I look at mommy with wonder when she talks about our country. “There’s no place like home” she loves to say. I believe her, mommy always knows best!

I’m walking and running now…my mommy takes me to the sea! My tiny toes are filled with beach sand…wiggle wiggle wiggle! My Namibia has sand dunes, the softest of sand lives here. I love the places my mommy takes me, everywhere is something new. 

It’s my second birthday now, my mommy takes me to a lodge. Look mommy, it’s a lion!!! Here’s wild dog’s mommy, what’s that one with a long neck and spots? “Is that what you were talking about mommy?” “When you said our land is so beautiful?” “You were right mommy, you were right!”

I’ve been on earth for three years now, I speak full sentences now and have a slightly better understanding of all the animals and the places in the land I call ‘home’. 

My mommy inspires me to someday travel more… “I want to see it all mommy!!!”

I cannot wait for my mommy to show me more, the more I see, the more I fall in love with my beautiful Namibia! And so I am inspired, inspired by my mommy, forever doing the most for me, and for birthing me in the land of friendly faces and amazing views.

My Sister, My Best Friend

Look at the love I share with my siblings, the greatest love I've known before I had you.
Whether you find this love in a sibling or in a best friend, I pray for you everyday to get to experience the different bonds of love that exists in this world!

Here is a poem my sister, my best friend and pillar of strength dedicated to me:

I never had teddy bears or lullabies 
Just my sister's nose pressed up against my neck and in my hair 
"You smell like a baby" she said 
One of the first sentences I can remember 
Simple words spoken softly, sweetly, slowly
Better than any bedtime story - she was the one to put me to bed 
And just as the sun rises every morning without fail or falter, question or hesitation 
She was there...
Her love shining me up like gold and awakening the very core of my soul 

See, for years and years I thought she hated me coz she kinda bullied me 
But now I see what she had foreseen
Is that it takes bullshit and manure for roses to grow 
Taught me how to knit and sow, how to cook and bake, not be fake
Or take any shit from any man, how to ride...bikes!
And stand up for myself and get up after a fall

And even though she stood tall above me, she called me your highness
Coz it takes the opening of a third eye to understand a love story so complex 
More complex than that of Romeo and Juliet
The type of love that grows you, that knows you, that shows you the way when you feel lost

And I'll find my way back and break into any dungeon to save - you know, like Pocahontas and John Smith 
Use 1000 elephants and spend 20 years building the Taj Mahal for you type love
That, I get chocked up but when I see you I can breath, type of love
That, I see you smiling, sitting in the front row when I'm on stage type of love
Running the city like Cleopatra and Antony type of love...
That, I love you like a brother but I'd never hurt like Cain did Abel type of love   
That, stay winning like Venus and Serena type of love
That, forever twinning like Tia and Tamara type of love
That, I will snatch and drag anybody who disrespects you by the edges type of love
That, run the world like Michelle and Barack Obama type of love...
That, I'm sweating, can you bring me some deo to the club type of love?!

That, please loan me 50 bux "I'll pay you back" but I never do and you act like you forget type of love
That, sssshhhhh, I broke curfew, don't tell anybody type of love
That, promote my yoga business like you own it type of love
That Sunday lunch with beans, greens, potatoes, tomatoes - YOU NAME IT, type of love

That, we broke the front window, don't tell mom
That, he broke my heart and you let me cry in your bed
That, you are the second mother to my son 
And your daughter is my child 
And all your snap chat stories are about me 
And the future don't mean nothing without we
And I pray for you more then I do me
And I've run out of rhymes and lines to explain this type of love...

LOVE, my child, LOVE

This world might be cruel, but fight them with love

"It's a new art form showing people how little we care", don't join the fad, we need a little more care

"True love doesn't exist" they say, but look at us! LOOK AT LOVE!

The world needs more people like you...
The kind of people that LOVE openly, LOVE freely and care dearly 

Yes, a day will come and your heart will break, I cannot protect you forever my child
But I will be there to ease the pain, to sooth your hurt and help heal your heart

You will feel better again my child, a broken heart is never the end
There will be time to mend and you know what? You will love again

Don't let them turn your heart to stone! You have so much warmth to share with this world

Our world needs a little more warmth, a little more love and a lot more peace

So love my child, love
Love freely
Love deeply
Love openly

The world needs more people like you!

The Truth Is...

She recently turned 3, my little girl is growing up!
She wants to explore the world, she's coming into her own

And the truth is, I wish she'd stay my baby girl forever
Truth is, I don't want to have to share her
Truth is, I don't want to be away from her...EVER

And in those truths, I'm selfish!

I think about her even when I'm with her, how did this person consume my very being?
When we're apart, my world is not at ease, truth is, I have to let her grow and be

I think about how I have to spend the rest of my life making up for the fact that I'm raising her on my own
Truth is, it's exhausting and tiring and rewarding all at the same damn time!!!!
Truth is, I'd do it all over again just to see her smile when she's being naughty
The truth is...I'd do it all over again just to watch her sleep and hold her close and breath her in

Truth is, I try to be the best mom I can be, and nothing will ever stop me from waking up every living day trying to do right by her

Truth is, she's the best thing that ever happened to me
Not one second, not a day goes by when she's not in my thoughts and forever in my heart

Truth is, I love her more than life itself!

Two Years A Mom

Being a mother...aaaaaah the joys!

From the belly growth and stretch marks to the waiting and the wondering about the little person you're about to meet...
And they arrive, and voila, your life changes in a heartbeat...
The late night feedings, the crying, the changing of diapers...it all seems endless
Yes, life will never be the same again!

And up they get and take their first steps, what a wonder to see them walk
Baby proof the house, close off the swimming pool...remove the Oros from their reach...it's a mad house!
Now the little one is a walking mess machine, you have been deemed clean up crew 24/7

And with the steps come the first few words...
Mama...mama...mama
I love the sound of my new name!
It's amazing, I never want to be called anything else ever again...

All of a sudden she discovers I actually have a name!!!
Berneeth...she teases, trying to pronounce Bernice as best she can
We conversating now...it's endless questions of "what's that" seemingly on repeat mode

Aaaaaah the joys, two years a mom and I wouldn't trade it for anything!

She's still my little girl you know, my baby through and through
What a pleasure it is watching you grow, my big eyed yellow girl! 

Words Will Never Be Enough

03:58am

Your tiny body has grown enough for me to tightly hug you
Your little arms can wrap around my neck now
Look how fast you've grown my little angel

I lift your sleeping body and place it firmly on my chest
My tears roll down your back as you sleep
I always said I'd never let you see me crying yet I wish to share so much with you...

My darling daughter, you are all I have
My words will never be enough to try to prove to you how much I love you
I can only pray I'm doing right by you
And I can only pray I'm doing right for you

I lay you down beside me and watch you sleep
I wipe away the tears and place my head on your tiny chest
I can hear your heart beating and all the turmoil is calm

It's far from easy trying to raise you on my own
You wake up and smile at me and I know you are worth all the sleepless nights
The night's spent worrying if I'm doing right by you
The weekends spent working so you have everything you need
The constant fight in trying to give you everything you want and need

Words will never be enough my child
I can only thank God for you and his endless mercies

Thank you for choosing me to your mom!
My words will never be enough 

Perfectly Flawed

Motherf*ckers never loved me...
Because I never loved me!

All dramatics out the way(pardon the French), I found my face buried in my daughter's lap as she slept last night. Suddenly I was flooded with the memory of the lowest low point in my life. 
I hadn't realized that I had not dealt with it until last week when I found myself telling the perfect stranger how my life nearly ended one fateful day in August whilst 8 months pregnant.

I found myself on the floor of my bedroom, endless tears found their way to my protruding belly, this was it, I was ready to take my own life and that of my unborn baby. What had brought me to this point, driven me over the edge? There is no event that I can blame on my actions, nobody to blame for allowing life to get to me...I only have the lack of self love to blame.
I look at her now and promise myself that no other human being can make me feel like I'm less than nothing,

I recently looked up the definition of perfectly flawed:

"Acceptance that nobody can be perfect, everyone has their flaws yet they embrace them, allow them to come to terms with their mistakes yet not allow them to define them"

I read it over and over again until it was so deeply instilled in me, I am not my flaws and mistakes. I am beautiful, I am a great mother, I am love and I am loved!

I've come a long way since that day, anyone who knows me knows how strongly I preach #SelfLove! It has been quite the journey...the road to loving myself unconditionally! And now, when I look at the precious life for which I am responsible, I thank the heavens for knocking some sense into me via Yellow's intervention that day.

Above all else, love yourself till it shows!
May others learn from your self love and love themselves just as much.
I deserve the best because I am the best me I can be
As corny as this may sound, self love saved my life!

To my baby girl, mommy is young and mommy will continue to make mistakes and learn from them. But you, you are my greatest achievement in life, my happiness is your happiness!