Perfectly Flawed

Motherf*ckers never loved me...
Because I never loved me!

All dramatics out the way(pardon the French), I found my face buried in my daughter's lap as she slept last night. Suddenly I was flooded with the memory of the lowest low point in my life. 
I hadn't realized that I had not dealt with it until last week when I found myself telling the perfect stranger how my life nearly ended one fateful day in August whilst 8 months pregnant.

I found myself on the floor of my bedroom, endless tears found their way to my protruding belly, this was it, I was ready to take my own life and that of my unborn baby. What had brought me to this point, driven me over the edge? There is no event that I can blame on my actions, nobody to blame for allowing life to get to me...I only have the lack of self love to blame.
I look at her now and promise myself that no other human being can make me feel like I'm less than nothing,

I recently looked up the definition of perfectly flawed:

"Acceptance that nobody can be perfect, everyone has their flaws yet they embrace them, allow them to come to terms with their mistakes yet not allow them to define them"

I read it over and over again until it was so deeply instilled in me, I am not my flaws and mistakes. I am beautiful, I am a great mother, I am love and I am loved!

I've come a long way since that day, anyone who knows me knows how strongly I preach #SelfLove! It has been quite the journey...the road to loving myself unconditionally! And now, when I look at the precious life for which I am responsible, I thank the heavens for knocking some sense into me via Yellow's intervention that day.

Above all else, love yourself till it shows!
May others learn from your self love and love themselves just as much.
I deserve the best because I am the best me I can be
As corny as this may sound, self love saved my life!

To my baby girl, mommy is young and mommy will continue to make mistakes and learn from them. But you, you are my greatest achievement in life, my happiness is your happiness!

What's in a word

Mother
Mom
Baby mama
Mommy
Mama

What's in a word?

I am a mother, I give milk
I am a mom, I give love
I am a baby mama, she has dada's, uncles, grandpa's
I am a mommy, my baba's best friend
I am a mama, provider of unconditional love

So what's in a word
What defines you?
What defines me?
I am everything she needs me to be
When she needs me to be it

Most of all
I am love
I am laughter
I am happiness
I stumble
I fall
I cry
I get up
Laugh some more
I birth. I raise. I love

I AM MOMMY!

Claruby my Ruby!

Dear Baba

Mommy and daddy love each other very much
Mommy and daddy took that love and turned it into you
You are love my baby!
We might not always agree and see eye to eye
We compromise
We learn
We forgive
We grow
We love you!
Family isn't always that which you're born into
But those who come into your life and stay
Because of you we will always be a team
I can only pray that an extra mommy and daddy will love you as much as we do
My daughter, I'm not perfect
But I try to do right by you
Treat the people you love well my child
Let them love you
May you fight, forgive, learn, love and grow
You are all I ever wanted and more
Mommy has to learn to share you now
I will ALWAYS be in your heart

ALWAYS

Love Mommy

Letter to my Daddy

Dear Daddy

It's me, your baby! Remember me? You were so happy the very first day we met, I thought I did that. I thought I made you happy...

Anyway, I'm so big now, since the last time you saw me. I have teeth now daddy, look at my smile:) I'm not so little anymore daddy, I finally got the courage to walk...one step, two steps, I'm walking daddy!

Daddy, it's my first birthday. I wish you would come back to me. I'm happy but I'm sad daddy, I'm big now daddy. What did I do to make you mad?

I'm waving goodbye to mommy daddy, I'm off to school. I see the other children have dads, wonder how they managed to keep their daddy:/ Ok, school time now daddy, I pray one
day you'll come back and I can try and stretch my tiny arms as far as I can to wrap them around your neck daddy like the other kids do...

I'm in grade 1 now daddy, where are you? My shoes are shiny, I can see my face in them. I asked mommy to make my tie today, she doesn't know how. I think you'd know how to daddy, do you like to wear ties?
I'm so smart daddy, I'm the best in my class...I must have gotten it from mommy, she is smart enough to be in my life. I'm an amazing kid daddy, I think you'd love me if you knew me...

It's my first day of high school daddy. I'm kinda mad at you...why won't you help mommy, why won't you call me or see me!!!!
 Mommy says I'm perfect daddy, but how can this be? The man who made doesn't love me...

It's been 18 years now daddy, you're nothing but a memory if I didn't all but dream you up to begin with. Mommy is my daddy now, she's all you are supposed to be and so much more...

I'm still waiting for you daddy, maybe one day you'll come back to me...

Love you always daddy

Maybe one day you'll comeback to me...

I believe in a thing called love...

Do you believe in a thing called love? In a happily ever after?

That was the plan…to live happily ever after, together. As a family. So what happens when that plan all but goes to shit?! Shattered pieces of heart lying all over the place. Where do you start picking up the dozen pieces? I always say happiness begins with you. It took me a long time, to get to where I am today. To be happy with the self. To know the self. And finally, to love the self.

It took me an opening in my belly, a tiny smile, eyes as big as mine if not bigger and a presence. I’ve never seen anybody so beautiful, a beauty that brings tears of joy to my eyes as I watch her sleep ever so sweetly.

And so the picking up of the pieces begin. The mending, the healing, and finally, moving on.

The things I’ve heard come out of apparently rational human beings mouths, “the guy should move on first before the woman does”, “women should wait till the child is one years old before moving on”…in what world?! When YOU are ready, when YOU meet someone who is kind, gentle and openly loves your little one (and claims to love them as much as you do) LOL (impossible), do you retreat? The laws of love, unwritten as they are, say what about timing and who goes first?

Lovers come and lovers go. People judge, regardless of what you are doing. So you live, you pick up the pieces and move forward. Time and time again I remind myself; it’s my life, my rules, my body and my baby.

Every day, every struggle, every hardship, it’s all worth it in the end…coming home to this little body. My person. The tiny hugs and kisses, oooh my how she adores me.

I won’t always get everything right, but I can damn near try. As long as I do it my way.

So here’s to taking time to mend, to heal and finally to embracing brighter days!

May we all find inner peace, love and happiness

6 Months later...

In front of me sits this bouncy, chubby cheeked ball of a tiny human being. She's wide-eyed and aware of every sound and movement in the room...and when I say 'sits', I mean just that! Clarissa Yvonne learned to sit at just 5 months young:)




This little girl has her own personality! Yes, I believe babies have a will and likes/dislikes and know to some extent what they want/how they want it. For example, she only wants to be breastfed while lying down, she doesn't like to held like a baby when it's feeding time. I was told, "babies don't have a will...don't let her decide for you", does that mean I should force her into position and shove the nipple down her throat? I think not. My parenting style is that of how I was raised...in an open and explorative environment. If I see my baby girl doesn't like something, I tend not to try and enforce it onto her. We all have our different styles, do what works for you I say!


6 months is a huge milestone! This is where the real fun begins, when they learn to become mobile. She moves from  the sitting position onto her tummy and lifts her head up high. Must be nice, to experience a different view of your surroundings! Instead of moving forwards, she 'crawls' backwards. What an amazing feeling to watch your little person learn new things, take on new milestones and make mommy's heart smile.
She recognizes people now, has a wide toothless smile when I walk into the room, and so my heart melts. She loves her play dates and her pets, cousins, friends the works! Such a happy baby:)
One of the many endless joys she brings to my world...




Then I read the terrible news headline today:( "Another baby dumped..the third in less than a week" My heart is bleeding. Can we not campaign against baby dumping as we do for GBV etc?
#BringBackOurBabies
These moms, do they even know where to take the children they don't want? Let us educate them, let us teach them there is no shame in giving the child a better life...anything is better than a death sentence before you've even had the chance to soak up the sun and the beauty that this world has to offer.
People are struggling to have babies, babies are taken away from mothers who yearned for them, and then you read about those discarded like trash.
We as a people need to fight this plague that has touched our community. I read that they can drop the children off at any government ministry's office...do those woman know this? How desperate and scared must you be to rip life from your womb and wrap it in newspaper and plastic bags for the dogs to feast on?!

 I pray for the babies sweet souls that were dumped. We need to seriously look into this.

I cry tears of joy when I look into my daughter's eyes, she smiles at me and I want to love her forever! She is mine and I am hers, may these woman find comfort in knowing there are other people willing to share their love with the babies they cannot give that love to.

I love you Clarissa Yvonne Boois...I tell her that every minute of every day at every chance I get!

After All Is Said And Done...

I've been doing a lot of 'soul searching' lately, and I believe it is only through self love and self worth that this journey allows one to reach new heights...

I've learned the art of forgiving myself so that I may forgive others!

We live. We learn. We love. We yearn. We want. We are beings capable of so much more than just hurting and wallowing in depression and in the past...so 3 cheers to living it up:)

Life is so fast now, my baby girl is turning 6 months old! She's such an independent baby, holds her own bottle, sits unsupported, likes to be left alone and talks to herself for what seems like endless minutes when all I want to do is hold her:)))
The nanny battles continue, I'm sure I'm not the first and surely won't be the last mommy,

She goes to nursery now, 8 - 5 so mommy can go about being a radio presenter and a full time final year student. Weekends are spent laying in bed starring into each others eyes, visiting granny and play dates with cousins and friends her age.

What a complete turn around my life has taken...would I want it any other way?! I think not:)
It's tiring and amazing all at the same time.
To moms everywhere, YOU are a star*****

So after all is said and done, learn to forgive, learn to let go and let love!